Do a colonoscopy prep on Thursday night, wake up 4 pounds lighter the next morning, then immediately AFTER the colonoscopy, head into your first bout of strep throat in 20-odd years. Dude, that is IT. No more working out, sweating my ass off in turbokick classes, no more lifting, no more wondering if I should have a glass of wine or a bottle of beer with dinner.
With my patented "colon-strep" diet - or WAY OF LIFE - as I like to think of it (because really, who likes to be on a DIET), you are guaranteed to lose up to 10 pounds, 25% of your muscle mass, and every electrolyte in your body, IN ONLY TWO DAYS.
Here are some other calorie busters, gang:
- I'm pretty sure that trying to swallow a mouthful of oatmeal (which feels more like swallowing a cheese grater) burns about 47.3 calories per bite, so BONUS!
- Sprinting to the bathroom burns 73 calories per sprint. If you sprint 987 times, like I did, well - that's a LOTTA calories burned, kids!
- Cleaning all the toilets that you used the day following your colonoscopy burns 170 calories per hour, and that's LIGHT EFFORT. If you multiply 170 by 3 (for HEAVY DUTY - OR DOODY - EFFORT), that's 510 calories PER TOILET. If you hit up three different toilets in the course of your prep, well, you do the math, cuz I suck at it. I THINK YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.
- Post-procedure, but mid-strep, dragging your raggedy ass from a prone "corpse pose" into a half-slouchy sitting up position will burn approximately 37 calories.
Pants: Old Navy
Shoes: Vince Camuto
Earrings: Standard Style Boutique
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