Thursday, August 16, 2012

My Number One Weight Loss Tip

It has taken me 43 years to figure this one out, but Imma share with you my number one weight loss tip, and it's ironclad. Here it is:

Do a colonoscopy prep on Thursday night, wake up 4 pounds lighter the next morning, then immediately AFTER the colonoscopy, head into your first bout of strep throat in 20-odd years. Dude, that is IT. No more working out, sweating my ass off in turbokick classes, no more lifting, no more wondering if I should have a glass of wine or a bottle of beer with dinner.

With my patented "colon-strep" diet - or WAY OF LIFE - as I like to think of it (because really, who likes to be on a DIET), you are guaranteed to lose up to 10 pounds, 25% of your muscle mass, and every electrolyte in your body, IN ONLY TWO DAYS.

Here are some other calorie busters, gang:
  • I'm pretty sure that trying to swallow a mouthful of oatmeal (which feels more like swallowing a cheese grater) burns about 47.3 calories per bite, so BONUS!
  • Sprinting to the bathroom burns 73 calories per sprint. If you sprint 987 times, like I did, well - that's a LOTTA calories burned, kids!
  • Cleaning all the toilets that you used the day following your colonoscopy burns 170 calories per hour, and that's LIGHT EFFORT. If you multiply 170 by 3 (for HEAVY DUTY - OR DOODY - EFFORT), that's 510 calories PER TOILET. If you hit up three different toilets in the course of your prep, well, you do the math, cuz I suck at it. I THINK YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.
  • Post-procedure, but mid-strep, dragging your raggedy ass from a prone "corpse pose" into a half-slouchy sitting up position will burn approximately 37 calories.

And there you have it. My fool-proof plan to lose inches, muscle tone, and dignity, in just a few days.

Shirt: F21
Pants: Old Navy
Shoes: Vince Camuto
Watch: Target
Earrings: Standard Style Boutique

This post brought to you by Gatorade, Miralax, Dulcolax, and Tidy Bowl.



Karrin said...

That had to be one of the funniest posts you've done! Loved it. Hey, if you've got to be sick, you might as well get the benefit of losing a little weight, right?

MerciBlahBlah said...

Amen Karrin!! Losing a couple el-bees is the ONLY plus to having the crud.

Sheree said...

You are soooo funny..if you had a stand up show I would be all over it. And the comment you left on my blog...I was rolling on the floor..Please I need you to leave a comment everyday, good or bad..and not cause I want the comment I want to read what you have to say..seriously :)
Sheree x

MerciBlahBlah said...

Sheree - I promise - if my Lifetime movie offer comes through, or if I snag a standup routine with the Kings of Comedy, you will be the FIRST to know. In the meantime, I will be happy to keep leaving comments for you.

Daisy Nguyen said...

LOVE the pink skinny jeans & the studded purse!
Let's follow each other!

-Daisy Nguyen from PS BANANAS fashion blog:

the Queen City Style said...

That's awesome.

Amy Moore said...

Can one die from laughing. If so, I just saw the bright light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks:)


Girls Love Fried Pickles said...

Nothing says supermodel like the shits and inside rottenitis. But you look great and this cracked me up.

Jackie said...

OMG Shan, I literally just lol'd the hell out of this place after reading this. Doing a ton of blog reading catch up (my summer sucked), and have totally missed your sense of humor! Lookin good as always!

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