Monday, January 16, 2012

Golden Globes Recap

Award season is here, bitchez!!! Let's recap the Globes, shall we? Starting with...

The Good

Rooney Mara: 
For someone hardly anyone had heard of a year ago, girlfriend hits it outta the park every time she is on the red carpet. She's a little weird, a little retro, a little Bladerunner all rolled up into one glam package.

Maria Menounos: 
Ooooooh, the yellow that graced the carpet last night. This was my favorite of the canaries. I love love LOVE the 60s retro vibe, and think her hair and makeup are flawless.

Mireille Enos: 
I have NO EARTHLY IDEA who this is, but I am digging her dress. Hurr and makeup are also gorge. Way to go, whoever you are!

Paula Patton:
In every photo I have seen of her recently, Paula always looks like she is having more fun at whatever event she is attending than anyone else. How could she not, in this dress? The silhouette itself is nothing new (in fact, it reminds me a lot of my own wedding dress), but that color? The COLOR???? Lubs.

Sarah Hyland:
Typically I do not like dresses that match one's skin tone, but this is lovely. The lace and the black push it into Special Dress Land (as opposed to Special Ed Dress, which is apparently what Piper Perabo is wearing - see below...).

Sarah Michelle Geller: 
Forget Bootylicious. This is Bufflylicious. Girl? You. Look. UH-mazing. I love love love this dress. Gasped a little when I saw it initially. So freaking cool and tie-dye-ey and shocking and gorgeous, and I could eat it up with a spoon.

Emma Stone:
Giving some SERIOUS Zoolander here. Love this color on her, and hair and makeup is bananas. Blue steel indeed.

Salma Hayak: 
Studio 54 called and wants to know if it can borrow your dress. Love the art deco disco hybrid.

Jessie Tyler Ferguson:
I love a man in a velvet suit, espesh when said man call pull off the velvet suit. You have just Robert Downey Jr'd your way to my favorite man of the evening. Well done, sir.

Helen Mirren:
Not much more to say than what Tom & Lorenzo would say - "Bow down, bitches."

Nicole Richie:
She is always gorgeous, but I think her hair and makeup look better here than I've ever seen.

Claire Danes:
I hold a soft spot in my heart for her because something about her reminds me of my sister, plus, come on - Romeo & Juliet was a KICKASS movie back in the day. She is always simple, chic, and elegant. LOVING the backless numbah she wore.

Evan Rachel Wood: 
Something about this is a little drag queen, what with the peacock color PLUS sequins PLUS feathers, but I don't care. I'm in LOVE and I don't care who knows it!!!

Kristin Wiig:
Lady boner in da house! Don't actually love the color, but my "reception" dress from my wedding looked almost just like this, plus her hair just looks so shiny and soft and I love her. Kristin, call me...

Eva Amurri:
She so purty - looks JUST like her mother. Loving her with this hair color, in this color.

The Meh...

Angelina Jolie:
It's no secret, I'm not a fan of Angelina Jolie, and commented last night to The Hubs that both she and Mark Wahlberg need to LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP. Stop taking yourselves so seriously - you pretend for a living. Anyhoo, despite all that I will say that she looked gorgeous - from the neck up. Not many women can wear their hair slicked back and look glamorous and amazing, but Angie Jo certainly can. I also loved her lipstick, and that it matched her dress, AND that her dress was not black or taupe or sack-like. I could not help but thinking, howevah, that she reminded me of someone else, and then I realized who:

They could almost be the same person, except that the Evil Queen has more meat on her bones. And that brings me to my second point - Angelina needs help. She does not look healthy. I could not help staring at her arms. And because she was wearing her hair slicked back, it only emphasized the bobble-head effect. Not good.

Charlize Theron:
Like Angelina above, not many women could wear a mullet dress and pull it off. Oh, wait - INCLUDING Charlize. Why oh why couldn't this have been long in the front? It would've been gorgeous. Alas, tis not to be....

Reese Witherspoon:
She certainly looked happy whenever I saw her last night, but the Jessica Rabbit look for Reese is throwing me off. It just doesn't seem to fit her personality, or something, that I can't quite put my finger on. Plus, I'm not loving the hurr for the red carpet.

The Bad

Ya'll, did you realize Madonna had not two, but FOUR boobs??? True story. This dress, aye-yai-yai!!! So wrong on so many different levels. Waaaaay too tight. So tight I was uncomfortable just watching her. The cap sleeves are not doing her any favors either, and the stupid leather glovelet? Girl, you're not fooling anyone. We've already seen the photos of your veiny hands, and we don't care. You're just calling attention to them with that nonsense. P.S. - What I said earlier about Angie Jo and Mark Wahlberg? Goes double for you.

Jessica Biel:
If this was 1979, and I was in the Jones Store begging my mom to buy me a Gunne Sax dress, I would have died a happy lass if she caved and bought this one. Howevah, being that it is 2012, and she forgot her slip so we can see her granny panties? It's not so great.

Kyle Richards:
What. The. EFF????? Why was Kyle at the Golden Globes? And why did she apparently steal Portia's Valentine Barbie Doll and have the local David's Bridal seamstress recreate her dress? And when did she time travel back to 1991 to have her hurr did to show off that choker? No no no no nooooooo.

Kelly Osbourne:
Who did you piss off to end up like this? For the last several years, Kelly has looked UH-mazing on the red carpet, but this dress, and that horrendous hair???? I have just two words for you: Crazy Train.

Matt LeBlanc:
I have always loved a lil LeBlanc, which has been rekindled thanks to the really cute guy in my Wednesday morning boot camp class who looks like a cross between you and Andy Cohen (true story), but this navy blue tuxedo? Has. Got. To. Go. PLEASE.

Michelle Williams:
I will say I almost teared up during her acceptance speech, but ENOUGH OF THE TWEE, GIRLY LOOKS on the red carpet, already! Yeesh. Between her and Zooey Deschanel (who IS adorable, but still), I have had it up to here with those looks. I HAAAATE that headband with the firey passion of ten thousand burning suns.

Viggo Mortenson:
Apparently got lost on the way to the insurance seminar at which he was the keynote speaker.

Piper Perabo:
The HELL????!!! Kelly Osbourne, did I call you Crazy Train earlier? I take it back. Piper is the engineer on that train, and she just derailed.

Who were YOUR favey crocketts? Least faves? Share. This is a safe place.



Sarah said...

You are too funny. I HATE ANGIE. HATE HATE HATE WANT TO SPIT ON HER. I don't understand why Kelly's hair is that weird color (noticed that the other day on Fashion Police). Random thoughts: I want Paula to close her mouth when taking pics, Madonna is always flexing. Jessica Biel needs a better stylist asap - she always looks weird. Phew, I feel better.

Paula said...

Too funny and so true! And def spot on with Angelina - but whoa, had no idea Sarah disliked her so much! (made me laugh when I read her comment...) Wtf is up w/ Kelly O's hair and why on earth would anyone want to color it gray? Someone needs to wrestle her to the ground and color it stat!

chicfreakcubed said...

Sarah - what was UP with all the Paula Patton Posing going on all over the place? WEIRD. Madonna's arms? SCURRY. Jessica Biel - she is so hot and cold for me. Sometimes she looks amazing, and other times, yeesh.

Paula - Yep - it's safe to say Sarah has CONVICTION with her feelings about Angie Jo. And I agree - why why WHY would you dye your hair that color, unless you were an octogenerian????

Anonymous said...

Love Claire Danes but thought her hair/makeup were hideous last night!

Jenny @ Spry On The Wall said...

I didn't watch but 15 seconds of the show ( let me just say 3yo sleeping issues, like she just WON'T, cussing and slanderous thoughts). But I did see Reese on stage and the issue is that neckline made her look like a linebacker, all shoulders and no boobs. And Emma Stone is my new pretend best friend, I always love how she looks. And yes Angelina needs to eat some food and lighten up Francis!