Monday, October 17, 2011

Thank You

Wow - it's all I can say in response to your lovely comments after my last post. They touched me more than you will ever know, and brought tears to my eyes (though in the spirit of full disclosure - it doesn't take much these days). One thing I have noticed is that when I'm feeling like this, for the past 6 months or so, it has been when I am pre-menstrual (not to be confused with pre-minstral, which is something different entirely), and my hormonal swings have gotten MUCH worse in those 6 months. I am considering talking to my doc about trying some meds, because I really don't want to feel like a monster to my kids any more than I absolutely have to. 

Even that - considering meds - feels like a failure of sorts - like I can't do it on my own, and that is not a judgement on anyone who is currently taking meds - only on myself and the level of guilt I feel and the pressure I put on myself. Holy SHIT, being a mom is HARD. I have to wonder if fathers have these feelings too, of the guilt and the pressure, and my guess is that they don't, that it's something in the way women are wired. Maybe I'm wrong. If there are any men out there reading who are fathers, feel free to chime in.

The scary thing is that I switched my days at work this week, so I'm home until Wednesday. Most people dread Mondays, but me? I look forward to them because I know that I'm going to get a break from the insanity of three 3-year olds, and after this weekend, which I felt like I kind of stumbled through in a depressing haze, man, thinking that I have two more days to go before adult interaction is well, kind of frightening. Even more frightening? The fact that The Hubs is going out of town this coming weekend. Gulp. Lord help us all. Just say a lil prayer (or a LOT of prayers) for me and the trio of terror.

Finally, to everyone who left a comment, or sent an e-mail, thank you again. Isn't it odd yet amazing how relative strangers can become such a family of support? I love you all from the bottom of my heart. You are the wind beneath my wings.



Anonymous said...

Hey lady- I've been reading your blog for a long while now. I don't know why I've never commented, so I'll tell you now that I keep coming back for your fabulous outfits-you've totally inspired me to step outside the box and start using more accessories too! I'm really commenting now to applaud you on being honest about your depression or funk or whatever it is, and let you know you're not alone. I think all Moms, at least the honest ones, will admit to it, and I hope that stepping back figuring out what you need will help you find what you need to feel better. You're amazing & I hope you come back soon!

MerciBlahBlah said...

Thank you Anon - I'm glad you're here, and sincerely appreciate your encouragement!!


Jools said...

I've never met you, Shannan, but I really enjoy your blog. I just read your last two posts and wish I could give you a hug. One, because holy cow, I have trouble managing my two nieces for a weekend -- just a weekend! I cannot imagine what it's like with three kids, every day -- I mean, even when your husband's there with you, y'all are still outnumbered! I have a lot of fears about becoming a mom, and I want you to know that reading your words over the past couple years has helped to allay some of my fears.

Also, your words about the meds feeling like failure really hit home with me. When I talk to my friends who need meds, I am completely sincere in urging them to get the medical help they need. Depression is a chemical imbalance, a medical issue, and taking something for it is just like taking something for high blood pressure or for allergies or whatever. I sincerely mean that when I tell my friends that. But when I need them? I put off talking to my doctor about it until I'm on the verge of losing my mind. Because I feel like a failure for needing them. I honestly don't think that any of my friends are failures for needing them, so why do I judge myself that way? I try to keep telling myself that getting that kind of help isn't a sign of weakness or of failure, it's simply one of the things I need to do to take care of myself.

Anyway, whatever route you take, I hope you're feeling better soon. You seem like a truly lovely person and a wonderful mom, and I hope you'll remind yourself of those things when the guilt tries to creep in.