Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Sometimes

I feel completely done in by my kids. Broken. Like every negative thought I could ever have about myself is all wrapped up in one vomitous mass and handed to me wrapped up with a bow. Like I don't know if I can do it one. more. day. Like the mountain of guilt I feel grows larger everyday, and those days I feel like "hey, I did a pretty good job," (not great, mind you, just pretty good, just manageable), those days? Stays the same. But the guilt, the damn, God-forsaken guilt, gets larger and larger and threatens to take me over. And that, people, is where I am today. Sad and broken and ready to just give up. And certainly not to write a fucking blog post. Not that anyone is reading these days. So who am I writing this for? I don't know anymore. Maybe just me, and I guess that's okay. Cuz maybe I need to focus my vision elsewhere for a while. 

Peace Out,
Shannan

22 comments:

Lilac Skin said...

OH :(
Very sad. I read your blog and I love it, and I'm sure others do too.
I don't have kids,so I don't understand, but I am sorry you feel so shitty. You're posts always put a smile of my face when I am feeling crap. That's why I was mildly obsessed with it for a while there- during my "Shit, I'm stuck in India with no money" phase. Haha.. Have a hot bubble bath, and a cup of tea in your favourite cup and go put that silky kaftan on and watch a movie. xx

Mrs. Kat said...

For what its worth, I'm reading :)

Stacy said...

I wish I had commented earlier! I have 3 kids and your blog is like the highlight of my day- I laugh OUT LOUD at a lot of your posts. I will miss you. We all have been there. Please know that you helped this stressed mom on some of her hard days. LOVE your outfits too!

pyjammy pam said...

oh please don't stop! i love reading, even though my fashion sense is the kind that gets people on What Not To Wear.

as far as the kids go...please know you're not alone. you are at a VERY hard age. shit, ONE three year old would be hard. THREE is murderous. and i also feel like i'm ruining my kids. spoiling them and giving in to whatever they want because it will give me some peace. but it's short-lived and makes things worse. ugh. the fighting and whining and crying...it's so hard.

you are a great mom. i know this because you care. you think you're fucking up? that means you care enough to worry about it. if you truly were fucking up, you wouldn't give a shit.

take a break if you need to, but come back!

Linda said...

i'm here. and i hope you don't quit.

Amy Moore said...

Oh Shannan,

I have felt this way at least once a week for umm, well, I became a mom 12 years ago....so right about then. If I work, I beat myself up. If I'm home all day with them and hating it, I beat myself up. It's a conspiracy that no one tells you how incredibly challenging being a wife, mother, and oh yeah a woman at the same time really is. Hang in there. As for blogging, I gave up expecting anyone to EVER read my blog a long time ago. It is my own journal process since I don't journal or scrap book. My out of town parents read it to feel like they are apart of our daily life. THE END. Your blog however has kept me going in every aspect of my overwhelming life. You are approachable and freakin hilarious! Keep it up, whatever you are doing is working. Take a day and spend it on you. Sorry for the long post...you moved me:)

Best,

Amy

Julie, N Ireland said...

Hi Shannon - I read your blog all the way over here in rainy Ireland and I love it! I'm totally jealous of all your lovely clothes, bling and your slimmness. We have the same sense of humour and share the same feelings of insecurity - I never comment on blogs, but since you have given up your time to write, style and photograph, its the least I can do. Hopefully the blues will pass and if it takes a while, just remember how much us girlies on the other side of the world love to "see" you. xxx Julie

Maggie said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog! As a working mom of 21 mo old twins, I feel your pain & guilt. Hang in there!

Peetzi Jen said...

No no no, Shan. First, you need a hug. There.

Second, you musn't be so hard on yourself. Three is SO much harder than two but it WILL get better. I promise!! The MOST important thing is that your babies KNOW that they are loved! Really they do. They are just trying to work through finding their own personalities and identities. That's what you do when you're three...even if it makes your Mommy insane.

Take that bubble bath each evening after they are in bed, have a cup of tea, a glass or two of wine, light up the candles and unwind!

And remember we all LOVE you! I don't always have a chance to comment as often as I'd like but I'm always reading!!

XOXO!!!
Jen

MChannell said...

Hi Shannon- You don't know me, but I too read your posts daily...and very rarely comment on any of the blogs I read. But this one I felt needed a shout-out.

I'm friends with Natty-Lite...and between her and your posts, I FEEL like I know you? I don't know HOW many times, I've hung out with her and a good portion of our conversations are about your most recent posts. To the point that I often ask how you are doing.

As someone in another comment said, my sense of "style" is also very "What Not To Wear"...but you inspire me to at least try! It isn't that I rock the "homeless" look necessarily, but more the "I graduated for art school...can ya tell?" kinda look...I don't think I could walk in heals if you paid me to...but I see you in them...and you make it look so natural.
AND THEN I think...good god, she's married, she's got triplets, she still works,...AND finds time to take pictures and blog about her day-to-day...and it blows me away!! It makes me want to know you...

Like I said...I don't ACTUALLY know you...but from what I've taken from your blog...this is what I got:
That you're beautiful...
That you're smart...
That you're funny...
That you're witty...
That you're a loving wife & mother...
...which means that you're amazing.
Even on the days when you don't feel like you are.
My mom always sends me this when I have those days...(cheesy, but it can hit the spot...)

http://www.turtlezen.com/mayonnaisejar.html

We all have "days"...everyone does...
and it will pass.
Push through, cause tomorrow is a new day...

thank you...

Freelance Shop-A-Holic said...

I read :)

Hugs

Been there. In fact I'm there right now! That's why I don't blog :(
Now I focus on me a little more! It helps a lot
Big Hugs mama

Jenny @ Spry On The Wall said...

Oh about 6 months ago, I was so there, just starting work again after 3 years and putting my girl in full time daycare - just too ovewhelmed, guilty, uncertain, insecure and feeling like shitballs. Don't stop blogging, but do take a break to regroup. I took about 2 weeks off from it around that time and it made a world of difference (and trust me, NO ONE reads my blog - God, if I get one comment a day I'm thrilled). I've said it before and will say it again, your blog is such an inspiration and I read every day! I love you and your stories. Take care and I'm sending many virtual hugs your way. xoxo

Bri said...

girl. I feel you. I have a 3 and a 1 year old. lately my proudest moment of being a mother comes at the end of every day when I lay there in bed, defeated,and say to myself..."self, you aren't in jail for leaving your kids on someones doorstep and driving to cabo. Winning." Hang in there. The fact that you get out of bed everyday and make yourself look that hot on a regular basis is awe-inspiring to me. xoxo

SGM said...

Oh Shans. I can't imagine what it's like to have 3 small kiddos, but I do know what it's like to have 2 (and I just nastily shooed one of them out of the room so I could have one minute to write this comment). Being a mom is hard work. GOD, is it ever. Someone should make an "It Gets Better" series for moms.

You are a talented writer, a super-fly dresser and you have exquisite taste in music. I love you.

Lass said...

I am New Zealand, deep in the Pacific, and I am reading.

You have TRIPLETS. The fact that they're safe, warm, fed and loved is enough.

Mommy Moxie said...

Girl, I only have ONE toddler and I feel the way you feel all the freakin' time! But for the record, I too really admire that you can chase after 3 kids, work and post pretty much daily. I soooo wish I had my shit together like you. So please, do like everyone suggests, take the bubble bath, grab the newest issue of Lucky/Vogue/whatever fashion mags you read and drink an entire bottle of wine after those crazy trips are in bed. Because if you stop blogging then I'll have nothing to read first thing every day.

Oh, and keep pinning-you find such great stuff!!

((HUGS))
Nicole

Ansu said...

Hugs from Johannesburg , South Africa!

oomph. said...

what the shiz, shannan?!! you're freaking awesome, so chin up, girl! don't even feel an ounce of that bull-crappity mother's guilt, because i know you're doing the best you can. kids love to test us, but stay strong....for them. they need you to be stong. even tho it doesn't seem like it sometimes! I AM READING!

[oomph.]
You're Invited: fall in love with mark.

molly said...

Oh Shannan,

I have been there. Boy, have I. Or should I say BOYS, have I.

I feel that guilt. All.the.time.

It's okay to break down. We're not perfect. We're not these strong beings that are shatter-proof. We have the right to fall apart. Of course, we have to do so on our own time which is like NEVER. But have a good cry. And know it's okay. These years are so challenging and I don't have HALF of your excuse.

I can't imagine how hard having three of the same age is. But there is no doubt in my mind what a great mama you are!

StyleIDnet said...

I love your blog. I read it from where ever I go, have it on my favorites on my phone and though I may not always leave a comment (most of the time because I read it from my phone) I always read it because your posts manage to put a smile (or a laugh) on my face. I remember being at the vet and laughing MAO by myself and other people staring at me, that is just one of those times... I also love your outfits and everything else here.
It is perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling right now, I am sure three little ones can be overwhelming, so I I just hope you find the right way to work this thru and I will be here when, if you decide to blog again, wouldn't miss it ever. Best, best wishes.
xoxo,

http://styleidnet.blogspot.com/
http://styleidcloset.blogspot.com/

Marie a la Mode said...

I read your blog! Chin up!

Julie said...

oh poop! i love your blog. it always makes me smile in the best way possible. it's okay to feel down in the dumps. we all do and your kids are lucky to have you as their mama.