If, by turning completely around in line to stare at me as we went through check out, you were attempting to a) give the 12 items or less check out a completely new meaning and 2) completely skeeve me out, then WELL DONE. Mission accomplished, sir.
Freaked Out in Fresno
Dear Lady in Line at Subway:
Have you NEVER been to a Subway? They're all the same. You pick your meat, you pick your bread, you pick your cheese, you pick your toppings. This is not "Fancy Buffalo Chicken Sandwich with Blue Cheese Dressing" Restaurant, it's SUB-FRIGGING-WAY. There is no Blue Cheese Dressing on it, and there is no need for you to be an asshat to the probably-minimum-wage-earning employee behind the counter when they ask what dressing you would like. There is no need to say, after it has already been established that they do NOT, in fact, have blue cheese dressing, "Well, unless you have BLUE CHEESE DRESSING, then I don't WANT any dressing, since BLUE CHEESE DRESSING is what goes on a buffalo chicken sandwich." And you were with what I assume to be your daughter? Nice example, lady. Now get your frigging buffalo chicken sandwich sans dressing and hit the bricks.
Irritated in Idaho
Dear People Who Share the Restroom at Work:
When you are throwing your used paper towel in the trash can and you miss it, PICK IT THE EFF UP. Also? If you use up the toilet paper, here's a thought - PUT A NEW ROLL ON. See how that works?
Persnikety in Poughkeepsie
Dear Dude Who Flipped Me Off On the Highway This Weekend:
Though I am flattered at the assumption, and am very skilled in many others areas, I am not, in fact, a mind-reader OR a psychic. As such, I had no idea from your lack of indication that you did in fact wish to merge from your lane into mine. The bird you flipped was quite effective in communicating your message, and I SALUTE YOU right back.
Flipped in Fargo
Dear Tina Fey,
I am currently listening to your audiobook, and have learned three things: a) it is one of the funniest frigging books ever, 2) I fear other drivers may think I am a bit crazy from the amount of laughing and knee-slapping I am doing whilst in the car, and c) I am PRETTY sure that you, Amy Poehler, Kristin Wiig and I would make an excellent BFFs-Forever Band if we were to join forces. Come ON - a slightly middle-aged revamp of Josie and the Pussycats? That has success written all OVER it. Just think about it. Oh, and one more thing? Don Fey sounds BAD ASS.
Slightly Stalkery in Seattle
Speaking of Amy Poehler, enjoy:
Dress: J Crew via eBay
Shoes: Jessica Simpson
Necklace: Kenneth Jay Lane, gift from Amy Bo Bamy
Work Out With Me