Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Ho Hum

I'm not feeling very picture-takery this week. After a shitastic weekend that started when I was stopped by a cop for having expired tags on my car AND a broken tail light - which would have been $95 for each (and can I say THANK YOU, Officer, for taking pity on me and letting me off with a warning), I ended Sunday night safe in the knowledge that I was NOT going to win Mother Of the Year. DAYUM if parenting hasn't suddenly become the most frigging difficult thing ever. I just feel brittle, like if someone bumps against me, some outer shell will flake off like I'm made of sedimentary rock. Like I am never fully recovering from battle before the next one starts, so for the past several days I have been on EDGE. The slightest thing sets me off, and Gavin, my sweet precious Gavin, is pushing my effing buttons. My kids are my heart, so how do I come to terms with the fact that since the end of last week, I feel like I want to just get in my car and....drive...

Spending my days feeling like I'm yelling at my kids more often than not, going to bed each night feeling like a shit is taking its toll. Sunday was the kicker. For the first time in a long time, while The Hubs was out, I really felt like I might snap. Like I just could not do it by myself for one minute. I called my mom to come over RIGHT NOW, sat on the couch folding laundry waiting for her to get there, while The Trips "helped," and bawled. They thought it was a game, until I looked up and they saw my face, with mascara running down it, and said, "Mommy's face is dirty," and I felt like the biggest loser in the world. I pulled it together after a while, long enough to fix dinner, which we ate after The Hubs got home (and mom left), and in the middle of dinner, I did it again. Broke down. Couldn't stop crying. Thank GOD for The Hubs, who told me not to worry, that he would clean up, to leave, get in the car and get out of the house, and that he would put the kids to bed. Thank GOD for him hugging me, telling me he understood, that it was difficult for him too, that he was there to help me when I couldn't do it myself. I am lucky.

So forgive me if I am not quite myself this week. This too shall pass, I tell myself, and I know it will. I just have to wallow in it, muck about, be dirty in it, before I can absolve myself of the guilt I feel constantly. No one ever told me that being a mother was synonymous with guilt. Constant guilt.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. Please God, let this pass.

8 comments:

The Girlie Blog said...

Hang in there!

Sarah said...

It's the heat. Swear. Makes me so moody. And I don't remember how old your babies are, but if they are somewhere between 2-4, it's PAINFUL. And I just have one.

Pyjammy Pam said...

oh, i get it. this is a HARD age. the boys are 3.5 now (i can't remember how much younger yours are - not much) and it is hell. it's gotten slightly better in the last month or so, but i had lots of days like you're describing. oy.

Freelance Shop-A-Holic said...

Shan... It doesn't get any easier. Each age comes with different sets of problems :/
Vent away! I completely relate!!!!!
Sending you hugs.
All the bullshit sucks. But they are so worth it

SR said...

Know you are not alone! On our way home from the hospital after my daughter was born,10 years ago now - gah, I remember calling my mom and telling her I never felt guilty about anything I did and suddenly now, I had guilt about every frickin decision I made - she was 3 days old! Same when my son was born 2.5 years later. I remember the times you are going through - it's tough. I used to go in my bathroom and ball my eyes out. Husband would come home and find me and tell me it would be ok. Thank God for him. Still have issues - just different with different stages and ages. Now I deal with a 10 year old who acts like she's 16 and a 7.5 year old who apparently has no problem telling me in a very loud voice while in the store "I'm angry and it's becasue of you"! Well then...how nice for me. I will tell you, and I'm sure you feel the same, I wouldn't trade it for anything. They are my joy! Hang in there! ((Hugs)) ----Dang, that was long...

Jenny said...

Girl, I feel your pain - you are not alone. I was all by myself with my girl this weekend and by 5pm everyday I was D-O-N-E. Pull my hair out and scream, done. Be thankful you have people nearby that can come over, because we have no one. No back up, nothing. It SUCKS! Did I mention that my husband works 7 days? It's rough around here some days, really rough. Hang in there!

Paula said...

Hang in there! I think we all have days/weeks like this. And there is nothing wrong with needing a moment to step away from the kids and just breathe. Or drive for a bit.

Lots of hugs!

MerciBlahBlah said...

Thank you ladies. I don't know what it is, but just knowing that I'm not alone going through this makes all the difference.

Shan