Oooooh, one more thing before we get started. I read last night that Joan Rivers blasted Jennifer Aniston for whining about her life or some such nonsense (and is she REALLY whining, or are the tabloids just saying she is - I mean, I've never read anything she has said about Brangelina unless someone directly asks her a question), but I WISH that she would have read the following quote on GoFugYourself in the comments, and responded thusly: "And THEN, the next time someone asked her if she’s still hurt about Brad leaving her for Angie and not having thirty-five United Colors of Benetton babies already because she’s soooo ooooooold, she would be like, “Bitch, are we still TALKING about this? I MEAN DAMN! Move the f*** on! And can we wrap this up? My beer’s getting warm and I have an appointment for a drunken round of ‘Shoot, Screw, or Marry’ with Helen Mirren later. By which I mean the red carpet at the Oscars." TOUCHE...let's carry on, shall we?
Finally, a disclaimer: I fear that my post may not be as funny as I would like it to be because I am battling a forehead-zit of epic proportions. I feel like I need a shopping cart to carry that thing around. It is seriously hindering my ability to focus.
Okay, enough of that. How's about we start with the Nudies?
Gwyneth Paltrow in Calvin Klein: Oh Gwennie, Gwennie, Gwennie - I swooned over this dress. Deffo one of my faves of the night. The cut was so simple and chic, but the metallic beading took it to another level altogetha.
Halle Berry in Marchesa - does this woman EVER look bad? I mean, aside from that sheer from the knee down black dress at the Golden Globes? I love her hair short and messy like this, and she is just female perfection, as far as I'm concerned. And homegirl is FORTY FOUR????? DAYUM.
Hillarie Swank in Gucci - as much as I HATED HATED HATED her hair and makeup, I loved loved loved this dress. I mean, come ON - it's got feathers for the love of Wayland and Madam (google them if you don't know...)
Jessica Biel in Versace - Just saw this one this morning, and it may be my favorite favorite of the night. Mz. Biel if you're nasty can sometimes look a bit too broad through the shoulders, but even with the delicate straps, she looks a-frigging-mazing. I think I just peed myself.
Cate Blanchett in Givenchy - Like Tilda Swinton, Cate is a master at taking risks on the red carpet. Some pay off, some don't. This one, in my humble opinion, does. It's interesting, gorgeous, unique, and you definitely wouldn't see anyone else wearing it;
Mila Kunis in Elie Saab Haute Couture - When Mila first walked in at the pre-show, I shouted "Nip slip on the red carpet!!!" Cuz that's what those little lavender lace pasties (say that five times fast) looked like from a distance. Still, the dress is gorgeous. Love the nude lining, love her hair and makeup. My one question is - why in da HAIL is the woman behind her wearing LEGGINGS AND DRIVING MOCCASINS on the red carpet????!!!!! Is nothing sacred?
Michelle Williams in Chanel Haute Couture - Yes, I know it's Chanel Haute Couture. I still don't like it. I have grown weary of her style. It's a little too twee for me, and I always feel like she looks 15 years older than she actually is. I was shocked to read that she is only 30. Plus this falls into the "almost matches her skin tone" category, which I LOATHE.
On to Back In Black...
Helen Mirren in Vivian Westwood - As the boys on Project Rungay are wont to say, "Bow the f*** down, bitches." This woman is 65. God, please let me be Helen Mirren when I grow up.
Emma Roberts in Jenny Packham - Dress is bananas, if a wee bit too long, but me no like-a da hair or makeup. At ALL.
Heidi Klum in Julien MacDonald - HATE the hair and makeup, love the dress. There is a lot going on with it, but that shattered mirror on the top is delish.
And the coveted award for the "You weren't REALLY supposed to dress like the Black Swan" goes to...
Sharon Stone, bringing a dash of cray-cray and a dose of "the higher the hair, the closer to God."
Annnnnd now for the Crimson Tide of the Evening...
Jennifer Hudson in Atelier Versace - Jennifer's boobs ROCKED this dress, and I know it doesn't show it here, but she wore purple shoes with it that looked F-I-E-R-C-E. One of my top three of the night.
Anne Hathaway in Vintage Valentino Couture - one of EIGHT amazing dresses of the evening. I'll do a separate posty toasty later for those. Can I just say - VINTAGE????? Guh. I've already read people blasting her for matching her lips to her dress, but look at Sandra below. Who cares? It's a red lip people - it's classic. GET OVER IT. Her hair, makeup and wardrobe changes through the show were crazy bananas amazing. Rachel Zoe earned her dough last night!
Sandra Bullock in Vera Wang - looked lovely. I really loved the riff on a sweetheart neckline on this dress, and she was adorable and funny presenting her award. And also? FORTY-FRIGGING-SIX. Wow.
Selena Gomez in Dolce & Gabbana - Selena has Bieber fever fo shizzle. She is also adorable and age appropriate and poy-fect in hurr and makeup. And ANOTHER red lip. Huh....
Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein - Listen, if I had Jennifer Lawrence's body, I would wear a Baywatch bathing suit to every event too. I just didn't feel like it was special enough for the red carpet at the Oscars. She looks like she was carved out of cream cheese, but seriously, from the waist up? Looks like she's at the beach.
And the "Oh Honey, NO" award goes to....
Scarlett Johanssen in Dolce & Gabbana. Guh. Where do I begin? Her hair, which looks like it hasn't seen a good shampoo in a week? Her makeup, which is a little too club for me? That rainbow and cloud press-on tattoo on her arm? Or the dress, LORD HAVE MERCY, the dress. Bad, bad, bad. Just bad.
So who were YOUR faves of the night? I'm sure I missed some, so stay tuned for further Oscar posting this week. Happy Monday, ya'll!