Wednesday, November 17, 2010

WWD: Spoooooky

Hey kids, stoke the fire, grab the marshmallows, pull up a stump, and listen to some of the spookiest stories you ever heard, sure to scare the bejaysus out of anyone...

Once upon a time there was a woman who had three little children, two of whom, two boys, were somewhat "challenging," and by "challenging," I clearly mean "hellions." One day, the two boys decided they NEEEEEVVER wanted to wear their diapers again, so they began removing them whenever possible, no matter what was in them.

(are you scared yet? you should be...)

One day, after cleaning up a mess from their sheets three times (and by "mess" I mean "poop smeared all over the place,") the woman decided to frantically google "HELP! MY TODDLERS WON'T STOP TAKING OFF THEIR DIRTY DIAPERS!!!!" and she found a company called Little Keeper Sleeper, who makes pajamas that zip and snap in the back, so little hellions...I mean ANGEL BABIES...could not remove them. The angel babies wore them allllll the time. To bed at night, during nap time, and under their clothing at any given moment. Aaaaahhhhh.... The woman was FREE!!!

Until one day, when allllll the sleeper keepers were dirty, and the woman thought, "surely they'll be okay without them for 2 hours while I wash them." The women was wrong. Fifteen minutes later, when the woman was getting ready, she heard The Hubs shout from the other room, "SHIT." She ran out to see what was wrong, and found two hellions standing naked from the waist down, behind the chair in the living room, next to two steaming piles of....well....shit.

The woman was so angry that after both hellions were changed, she swatted their hineys (for the first time ever, I might add), and put them in their beds, where they were zipped and clipped in. I forgot to mention that the hellions have been climbing out of their cribs since they were about a year and a half, so one night the woman frantically googled, "HELP, MY TODDLERS ARE CLIMBING OUT OF THEIR CRIBS!" and found a product called a Crib Tent, which fits over a crib and zips up, preventing little hellions from climbing out. Until they learned how to unzip it about a week later, at which point the woman and her Hubs had to rig up a clip system to ENSURE no climbing out.

Does the spoooooky story end here? You ask? No, no it does not.

Just last night, when the moon rose shiny and bright in the sky, and you could hear the wind whistling through the trees, one of the little hellions needed to go potty on the big potty. He had a cheezit in his hand, and the woman though, "Meh, it'll be okay if he just takes it with him."

You may think you can see where this is going. You do not.

After pottying, the woman carried the naked hellion back to the living room to put his jammies on, all the while he was grabbing his naked hiney and giggling. The woman thought nothing of this, as it was a game the three hellions played to pinch the hiney. Imagine her horror when, upon lifting his legs to slide the diaper under, that she found his cheezit, which he was holding securely in his crack-a-jack. RAWR! The woman shouted. WE DON'T KEEP FOOD IN OUR CRACKS!!!! The hellion giggled like a teeeeny-tiny madman, and the woman ran screaming from the house, never to be heard from again.
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Sometimes, on cold autumn nights, when the moon is high and bright in the sky, and the wind whistles through the trees, you can hear a woman's voice shouting...
NOT IN OUR CRACKS!!!!!!
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Jacket: NY & Co
Blouse: Tucker for Target
Jeans: Old Navy
Shoes: Target
Belt: Goodwill
Necklace: Garage Sale
Scarf: No idea
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Merci!
Shannan

13 comments:

Cathy W. said...

You are hilarious!! I love that story! Thank you trips for keeping your Mom's virtual friends entertained:) And now I will go back and look at the outfit!

Cathy W. said...

I love the pattern mix and I must have a blazer like that one!

Natasha said...

That's a good rule for us all - not just hellion babies.

406 Olivia said...

Hahahahaha! Too funny! You should write a book...


xoxo,
~Olivia

PS Love the scarf with that Tucker4Target top!

corksandcaftans said...

man, I could never get enough stories about poop. I have the maturity of those who wear diapers full of it.

you look like a boho print mixing velvet goddess in this. I'm stealing it. not literally, although...

xx
C

Paula said...

hilarious! so glad I am not the only one telling an almost three year old where his food belongs. and olivia is right, you should definitely write a book!

merciblahblah said...

Thanks ladieth. I keep hoping the right person will stumble on the blog and just offer me a book deal. Or better yet, create one from the blog, that way the work is already done....

Shan

merciblahblah said...

Oh, and Carey - I'm 41 and I STILL think poop and fart stories are funny (unless I'm the one cleaning them up)...

Shan

Jenny said...

Oy to the vey! I have a hellion too, thank goodness we've only had one "poop all over" incident. Her thing is to blow/wipe her snot everywhere - EVERYWHERE. It's so foul. It wasn't until I became a Mom that I figured out that kids are filthy little creatures. LOL!

TheOnlineStylist said...

Oh thank you so much... that actually made me laugh out loud... the best thing I've read in ages!! xxx

Kelly said...

Oh my God - I have TEARS I am laughing so hard!!!!!! You poor thing!!!

Peetzi Jen said...

FUNNIEST story EVER!!!!!

Ahhh the babes and poop. Have I ever told you about the time my daughter painted...her entire crib...face...ears...stuffed animals and mattress IN...you guessed it! I am still scarred from that little adventure!

Courtnee said...

ok I laughed so hard I had to go back and look at the outfit again(floral, leopard and velvet..yes please!)

Ahhh...moms and poop stories...good times! My 3daugthers are basically a year apart-it felt like I had triplets-but trust me it's not limited to boys. And I could tell you about the time my daughter puked...in my mouth..but I'll save you the horror!