When I read on My Super Sweet Fashion Diary that today was Take A Stand Against Bullying Day, I decided to switch up my ensemble game-plan and wear purple in support. Check it here for more info, as well as her involvement with The Trevor Project. I have been saddened and sickened by the string of teen suicides that have taken place as a result of bullying because of their sexual orientation. I don't understand what makes people torment someone because of their differences, but I am very much aware of feeling like you are alone, of hopelessness, of feeling like your options are running out.
When I was in middle school, and even a freshman in high school, I was unhappy with myself. In fact, I felt like I hated myself. I was sensitive, awkward, the ugly duckling, and for a time, had constant thoughts of suicide. Looking back now, I can't imagine what my parents went through, my mom especially. Every day I came home from school and went downstairs to my room, where I cried for hours. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to be alone in my misery. I remember my mom coming into my room to try to talk to me, and all I could do was cry. At 13, 14, 15, I didn't know how to express what I was feeling, and I thought I would feel like that forever.
During my freshman year, a friend of mine, our neighbor across the street, hung himself. He was a year younger than me. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say it hits one in the gut, especially when it is someone that young. Especially when one is that young themself. I distinctly remember his funeral, with kids lined up outside the funeral home for the visitation. I distinctly remember his open casket, his Journey tee-shirt, the Polaroids and notes that people left in the casket with him as they went through the line. Their one last conversation with Jamie as they said goodbye. Looking back now, it brings tears to my eyes thinking of him, his family, and the young people in the past few weeks who felt that same way - like there was just no way out.
About midway through my freshman year things started to change a little. It helped A LOT when I got rid of my Tootsie glasses and got contacts. I realized it was okay to be different, in fact, I reveled in it (much to my mother's chagrin). I looked a little less awkward, a little less dorky, but never felt pretty. To this day I always feel like the plain girl when I'm with a group of women. I guess it's something I'll always deal with, but I have realized that everything I've gone through in my life, from those feelings of hopelessness, to dealing with an abusive relationship, to being in the hospital on bedrest for two and a half months when pregnant with The Trips, all of those things have shaped me. They've made me who I am today, and today? I like who I am. Hell, I even love who I am.
I'm saying all of this to say that if by some slim chance someone out there reads this who is feeling hopeless, that it WILL change. It gets better.
For more information on The Trevor project, visit their website here.Merci,