Dearest Peanut (Shan),
Happy Birthday! I shall again apologize for your birthday preznet being tardy. It's as if I've learned NOTHING from Kim.
So, while you eagerly await the arrival of the United States Postal Service Worker, I made you this.
It's two of your favorite things, duh. A pink champagne cake with a delightful Danny Devito filling. I hope you enjoy it.
And your present when you get it. The one I almost kept. I don't know who stores think they are by only having one of a certain item when we shop for the other. That's just wrong.
Not wrong? Wanting to shout "I LOVE THIS WOMAN" in front of a fountain while presenting you with the finest ring Forever21 can buy for your birthday. If it is wrong, I don't want to be right.
I do, Peanut. I love you and I hope you have a wonderful year and you get to go to Laguna and St. Louis. Whaaaaat?
Pooper (Ames....yeah, Shan has the MUCH better nickname)
Awwww, shuckeroonies, a pink champagne Danny DeVito cake AND Kim Zolciak? You shouldn't have. No, really, you SHOULDN'T have. Your undying devotion is enough. And the fact that you did not post the video for Countless LuMann's "Elegance Is Learned." Well, that and the mental image I have of us both in front of a fountain with you screaming "I LOVE THIS WOMAN!" and me walking away, pretending I don't know who you are. Wait - if I pretend I don't know you, do I STILL get the Forever 21 ring? Awwww, you know I'd never leave you high and dry in front of a fountain. Did you ever know that you're my hero? Okay, enough of that. I fart in your general direction. And I mean that with all love and sincerity.
Love Ya Like Tuna Noodle Casserole!