Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Red Carpet Recap: Oscar Style

We don't want you to think we're tardy to the party on our red carpet recap. We have a strategy - we're waiting for you to read all the OTHER recaps so you can reeeeaaaallly be blown away when you read our HILARIOUS commentary. That, or I was slowed down by The Great Flood of 2010, and by "great flood of 2010," I mean "the day that Scarlett flooded the bathroom upstairs so that it rained into our kitchen onto The Hub's co-worker's $1,000+ computer that he brought home last weekend so he could work on it and make a little extra spendy-spendy." You know - THAT Great Flood of 2010.
BUT I DIGRESS. Let's forge ahead, shall we?
I'm going to throw some out there that I hadn't seen even until going through photos to post, plus a few of the more infamous looks of the night.

Katheryn Bigelow

Shan: Who's King of the World now, James Cameron? First, let me say - this woman is 58 frigging years old???? Good God Almighty, she looks hawt. Secondly, I hate the dress. It's a bad bridesmaid's dress. Still, overall? FIFTY-EIGHT???? Hawt.
Ames: Hooray for female firsts. Boo for female blindness. At no point did she think "this may be a little tight"...no point? None point? Then again, maybe she was too bored by it to even look at it. I concur though...58....I don't look like that at 38.

Shan: SJP - I wanted to like this. I felt like I should like it, because I love you. I supah dupah giant puffy heart you. I girl crush love you. But this dress? Sigh. I don't love. I like the top of it - it's just the sackishness of the rest of the dress I'm not loving. I DO, however, love your jewreys:

That ring is DOPE, and I love you even more now that I realize that, like me, you have man hands. I am sorry for that.
Ames: I keep going to and fro on this one. I think I like the idea of it more than the fit of it. Then again, part of me loves it. Oh, geez, I dont know. I know I do love that it's different and that SJP is such a badazz of fashion and I love not her hair.
Sandra Bullock

Shan: I like this gown from the bodice down - you know I loves me some glittery gold sparkley stuff, but it's the very matronly lacy top that I can't get on board wif. I'm torn here. And I also don't get why everyone was raving about your hair. Yes, it's shiny and pretty, but I just didn't feel like it was Oscar hair.
Ames: This doesn't WOW me yet I still really like it and think she looks so lovely. I like her. I think we'd be friends. The End.
Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey:
Shan: No, no, no no nononononnoononononooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. My eyes! My eyes!!!!! Woman - get thee to a stylist!!!
Ames: I think I've made my feelings known about MC so I'll just use ye olde "if you don't have anything nice to say..." route this time.

That was LITERALLY the hardest thing I've ever had to type.

.Shan again: I feel like we need to cleanse the palate after that one, so I'm going to throw one of my faves in, and then we'll continue with the ones we're not so fond of...

Helen Mirren

Shan: I am adding you to my girl crush list.
Ames: If you ask me, and you don't, she never ever ever makes a bad move and is hands down one of the most elegant and lovely women of any age in Hollywood. Seriously, she is hot. This dress is stunning.

Robert Downey Jr. and wife Susan Levin

Shan: I loves me some RJD, and I love the fashion risks you take, but this one? Nope, nada, no fank you. Don't like the blue lenses, don't like the blue bow tie, and I HATE your shoes. Your wife, howevs, looks gorge, and may have on one of my favorite dresses of the night. It is a dream, in fact.

Ames: Ditto. (That dress is ridiculous. Gimme.)
Charlize Theron, aka Bewbs McTa-ta

Shan: See comment under Mariah Carey. What the hell IS THIS???? I am sure you have great boobs; however, we do not need you to highlight them to make a point. This is turrible. I do love how the woman in the background is totes mimicking Charlize's stance. And dude on the right side: the set to Die Hard is the OTHER way.
Ames: Dear, Charlize. You may just be the most gorgeous woman every but no. No. No. No. No. It looks like Grimace is copping a feel from behind.

Cameron Diaz

Shan: Did something happen to her face? It's weird. Did she have an unfortunate Botox accident? Her hair does look very pretty and clean (for once) and lovely. Dress? Ho-hummm...

Ames: I hated everything about this. Yes, her "work" she's had is both obvious and unfortunate. I like the old Cammy. The one that doesn't look like every third person on the red carpet. Gimme back the one in interesting dresses and funky jewelry.

WHO THE HELL LET KEANU REEVES IN THE BUILDING????? Dude, the High Times convention is at U Berkeley...

Ames: Um, but he looks kinda hot. He cleans up reel good.

Let's continue with some of our faves, shall we?
Sam Worthington

Shan: I have never seen you in a movie, and I don't know who you're with in this picture. Probably some girl who thinks she is your girlfriend. She CLEARLY does not know that I am your new girlfriend.

Ames: Catfight over Sam. Yum. He is clearly with some girl who got her Oscar hair did at a mall salon that does Prom hair.

Nicole Richie, aka Girl Crush Number 337

Shan: Gasp - a glittery silvery kaftan inspired gown???? Loves loves loves the dress. Deffo one of my faves. Do NOT love the hair, and I am almost hating the makeup. It's just too matchy matchy wif the dress for me. She doesn't look as pretty as she usually does, and girlfriend is beee-you-ti-ful. Still, I heart this.

Ames: Best dress of the night and maybe ever. I love this so much that I'm willing to overlook her makeup. Almost. I wonder if everyone else was sick that they didn't have this dress? I was/am.

Maggie Gyllenhal

Shan: One of my faves of the night. I got bored with all the nude, pale pink dresses, so this one stood out to me. She purty.

Ames: I'm with you. It was like a mojito on a sunny day. Refreshing. And by "sunny day" I meant "any time."

Katy Perry

Shan: Homina homina. THIS one is my new fave. Girlfriend is boobalicious, but she looks like cream cheese pinup perfection, even though I'm tiring of the retro vampy look on her, and I think she looks like a clean version of Kristin Stewart. I won't hold that against her, though. This dress rocks out with its !@#$ out.

Ames: Dita Von Teese even got the jellies on this one. YOWZA.
George Clooney Shan: I don't care if you are a modern day Cary Grant - WHAT WAS UP YOUR BUTT?????
Ames: Two words: Limp hair. Some more: He looked sleepy and bored to def. (And her dress bores me to no end so they made quite the pair.)

Faith Hill

Shan: Give me an off-the-shoulder kaftan gown or give me death. Okay, I take that back. Don't REALLY give me death. Give me an off-the-shoulder kaftan gown or give me a noogie. There, that's better. And I don't mean this in ANY way but the best possible way - Faith Hill looks the way a Real Housewife of the OC SHOULD look.

Ames: Perfection.

Zoe and Lenny Kravitz
Shan: Pretty pretty pretty, though her dress doesn't knock my socks off. Lenny Kravitz? EFFING HOT.

Ames: I would expect nothing less than gorgeousness to come out of Lenny Kravitz. Okay, that sounds gross.
Demi Moore

Shan: Does this woman have a pact with the devil or WHAT?!!! Okay, THIS one is my fave of the night. For real. How frigging old is she? Does she age in reverse???!!!! I hate her.

Ames: Nicole: First. Demi: Second but first in overall hotness. The lady behind her in raspberry? Totally fake smile. I know what she's realllllly thinking. I think I know what her hubs is thinking, too. mmmmmm hmmmm.
And Shan's favorite look of the night?






Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper

Holy Beefcake, Batman! It's TWO! TWO! TWO! studs in one! Together? On the same stage at the same time? Thank you, Academy Awards producers. It almost makes up for this:

Farrah Fawcett, RIP: 1947 - 2009


Anonymous said...

Demi Moore is defo my fav of the night. (I take back all I said about being tired of the ruffle look in our phone conversation today) and I so pegged your fav. look when I said it wasn't a woman! Ha! But, alas I still haven't seen the oscars b/c they do not play them in Frankfurt. I must go and dream of Bradley...

Shannan said...

Frankfurt - it's more like FrankFART. I don't EVEN believe you commented.

Loves you Sissie!