I'm sooooo confused. I don't know whether I truly thought Gordana had the best dress this week, or if I was just so glad that the judges stopped being huge D-bags to her and gave her the win. And I'm looking at you here, Heidi. Did anyone else catch it when she said, "You did a good job Gordana. THIS WEEK." Like "Every other week has been shite, Gordana, but you FINALLY made something we can give you the win for because we're taking such flack on all the PR blogs, but so help me God, Gordana, if you make ONE mistake, it is off with your weiner-schnitzle." Then again, maybe that's just my take.
Let's continue with my confusion in the recaps, shall we???
Amy: Seriously. Why everyone hating on Gordana? It’s not her fault she spells her name with a “G” now is it? Unless she changed her name like I wanted to in 4th Grade, then maybe it is her fault. To this day I am not “Aimee” because I quickly realized you can’t find any personalized pencils (located near the Mrs. Grossman’s Sticker Heaven aisle) or cool souvenirs on vacay spelled that way.
But where were we?
Shan here: Just so you know, in my 'hood, ALL the cool stickers, personalized pencils, and swanky shoelaces could be found at Gift Horse. Ahhhhh, the good old days.....
The Winner: Gordana - FINALLY
Shan: The fact that Gordana made such a KICK ASS dress from THAT dress is pretty amazing. Love the asymmetrical neckline, love the funky pinktucky pleating, love the length. I don't love the boots with it, but if she was styling it for the model who wanted something funkier, I don't fault her for that. Poysonally, I wouldn've put some dope platforms with it.
Amy: This dress is reminds me of wine. Say whosey whatsy? Follow me....
Vintner: “Hey, would you like these fermented rotting grapes?”
Amy: “Um, okay, ewwww, no, I’ll pass on that.”
Vintner: “But come on, just taste it. You’ll be amazed at what we did with them.”
Amy: “Okay, just a sip to get you off my back.” (Sip…sip…chug…) How did you DO that? Sweet Nectar of Life, you made THAT from THAT. Please, Sir, can I have some more?”
And scene. I think you get my drift.
Shan: It's all about the booze with you, isn't it?
The Loser: Epperson
Shan: I'm so confused. I don't think Epperson had the worst look by a long-shot, and if memory serves, he did not seem to be the only one confused by the challenge. Didn't Logan also use as little of the actual dress as possible in his craptastic contribution? And Nicolas? Judges, you confuse me with your ambiguous critiques that seem to change based on who you are critiquing. Why, judges, WHY? And also, why every time that I type the word judges do I hear it in Cat Deeley's voice - "Your JOOOOODGES!!!"
Amy: So you think you can dance, dance, dance, dance. Annnnd, that is stuck in my head now. Grrrrrrrrreat. I hate the bottom of this but think if it was paired with a black skirt or was a pencil skirt on bottom or was with slacks (that word makes me laugh….schlacks…) it could be kinda cool. He is prolly one of the more talented designers and I was actually sad to see him go. Well as sad as I can be in this season of “meh.”
Shan: I don't know whether or not Logan should have really gone home this week, or if I wanted him to stay because of the pretty he bring. I don't know whether he should've worn his lucky magical silver pants to keep out of the bottom two, or if it is just because they make my nether regions all tingly. All that aside, this look is not good. NOT GOOD, LOGAN. The horrific vest makes the model look like a linebacker, and the pants? Let's not even go there.
Amy: Let me make this simple, it’s because he pretty. This mess was hotter than the soup I prematurely tasted on Friday that still has my tongue all jacked up.
Shan: And by "soup" she means .... okay, we won't go there...
Nicolas - Or "HOW Did This Not End Up In the Bottom Two????"
Shan: Seriously Jooooodges - crack is whack. Were you so blinded by your love for Althea that you actually put this one in the safe category along with hers? It is a crapgasm of the worst sorts. And I am confused - is the model actually Nicolas, or just someone who happens to look exactly like him?
Amy: I’ll be over here bleaching my retinas if you need me.
Daryl Carol Hannah:
Shan: I'm confused by the teeeeeny-tiny jacket, but what DOESN'T confuse me is the dress. I love it. I think it would've been better in another color, but I thought it was pretty fan-frigging-tastic. Funky, flirty, and a lil edgy.
Amy: Annnnnd, we have an actual contender here, ladies and gents. Kudos. Thank you Daryl Carol Hannah.
Shan: I'm soooo confused by the jooodges love for Althea every week. She seems to be getting worse each challenge, yet I am apparently the only one who sees this. It's a heavy burden. This dress? Sucketh. If anything looked like an Oktoberfest getup, it's this one - come on - it is disco German milkmaid if I ever saw it. What is UP with the weird little belt with the dress, and the dark blue bewbies? It's like "Here we come to save the daaaaaay!!!!" Only not. Not. At. All.
Amy: Okay, so this is really an improvement from the original wedding dress. Then again, so is just throwing it in the trash. Six of one….
Shan: I'm so confused - when did Top Chef's sponsor start providing materials for PR's challenges?
Amy: What is happening to Christopher? Biggest disappointment o’the season. I thought he was killing it earlier. Now he straight done lost his mind. (P.S. She scares me.)
Shan: WAS she a she? or a HE??? Soooooo confused.....I'll be rocking gently back and forth in the corner if you need me....
And The Winners of the "You're Not As Pretty As You Think" Awards Go to: Shirin and Irina
Shan: I had a friend who told me once when she was younger, dressed up in some skintight Jordache, blinding white Reeboks and a Members Only Jacket, with her hair feathered just so, strutting out the door like Olivia Newton John post makeover in Grease, that her dad said, "You know Mandy - you're not as pretty as you think you are." He didn't say it to be mean, just to bring her down a few notches. I think someone needs to say this to Shirin and Irina. Shirin has always gotten on my nerves, but I have liked Irina until the last challenge or two.
Yes Shirin, we know you got the shaft with the wedding dress that had the least amount of fabric - DEAL WITH IT. Yes, you sewed some thread on in a semi-interesting pattern, but you're not curing cancer here. It was just sew-sew for me. Pun intended.
And Irina - the dress is pretty impeccable. Mother-of-the-bride-like, but impeccable. I have to say - being 40 - if I were suddenly single, this is NOT the dress I would wear to go on the prowl. Gordana's or Carol Hannah's? Hells yes. Dress with lace wings? No thank you.
Amy: I love that story. Good visuals, Shan. That story is now my fave part of this week’s episode and it wasn’t even ON the show.
Shirin’s dress isn’t bad and I suppose it was interesting what she did with it but she need to stop annoying me.
And, Irina, well, this is by far not the worst of the bunch and has some serious potential with a couple of changes in construction. Like Shan said though, if you are Suddenly Susan, er, Single, I am thinking you’re gonna want to jack that skirt up a few or 13 inches to get your Cougar on. Mostly though, the sleeves are making me all eTrade commercial in my brain thingies…”take..these broken wings…”
Shan: So to sum things up here? What can I say? We just BROUGHT IT. Our hilarity brought to you courtesy of Ambien (Shan) and Mad Dog 20/20 (Ames...errr...Golden Pipes).