Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Stuff We Would Punch In the Mouf: Discovery Channel

Yo, Discovery Channel - meet me at camera three.

KNOCK IT OFF with the Shark Week commercials. You know what I'm talking about - the freaky ass ads that show the girl hanging on the side of the boat, waving at the camera when she suddenly disappears under the water? Or the dude on the surfboard, or the guy floating on his back in the turquoise waters of the ocean, and they ALL suddenly disappear?

Who is the sick jerk that came up with these ads? Well, listen here, Mr. Marketing Big Shot - You may not know that I have an irrational fear of sharks. Not that the fear of sharks is irrational in itself, but the fact that I sometimes fear a shark might be in a hotel pool is. The fact that I don't like to swim in a hotel pool after dark because I have an irrational fear that a shark is swimming in the depths below may be a TEEEENSY bit irrational, but I can't help it, so OP-STAY with the ARK-SHAY EEEEK-WAY nonsense, Discovery Channel. Don't make me write a strongly-worded letter to your marketing manager. I am THIS close. Consider yourself warned.

Shannan
...
Shan,

DUDE - are your Bravo, Food Network and HGTV all the broken? Discovery Channel? Ooooooo, loooook at me, I'm Shaaaaannan and I watch "thinky" shows.
...
Oh wait, is that the channel that The Deadliest Catch is on? If so, nevermind. I heart Discovery Channel. Golf claps to whomever thought of making a show out of deep sea fishing because that show is SPELLBINDING. For real. You know they have you when they pull up the pots and you think "aw, man that's not a very full pot...poor guys" or you get way excited when the pot is just brimming with crusty creatures. I mean, I may have watched it a time or twelve. Hypothetically.

But back to sharks. Not cool, people. Not cool. Quit frightening my friend. I.Will.Bring.The.Pain. If she wanted to be afeared when she watches TV she would just turn over to TLC to see Kate Gosselin's hair, yo.

If you need back up, Shan, you know where to find me. (At the mall. Durrrrrrrrr.)

Kisses,
Ames
.
Ames,

Yeah, that's me - watching Discovery for the "thinky shows." Woman, you if you don't know by now that I'm watching if for this hottie:


well, then, you don't know me AT ALL. Love you Mike - call me....

Love love love!
Shan

5 comments:

The Townhouselady said...

These ads terrified my goddaughter. I told her it was just a movie and make believe.

Seriously.not.cool.

Molly said...

This is exactly why Discovery Channel should stop it with the Shark Week crap. It makes people develop a very irrational fear of sharks when the poor things would much rather just be left alone to do their thing in their natural habitat. I think villainizing sharks is a horrible thing to do and has led to the future extinction of the species. Sorry to get on my soap box. But I agree! I say we picket in front of their studios during Shark Week.

bananas. said...

dude mike roe is the shit! i love him!!!

MerciBlahBlah said...

Bananas - Yes, yes he IS the shit. I completely concur.
Shan

The Townhouselady said...

I love me a rugged manly man!!