Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Be Our Guest

I don't know Jeff, but when I read his entry as our first guest blogger, I was laughing out loud. Now, since I don't know Jeff, he does not know my number one rule, that is "do NOT make Shannan laugh out loud at her desk at work." Jeff - consider this your warning. Don't make me remind you again. So, dear readers (now 26 readers - WOOT!) consider this YOUR warning. Jeff = HILARIOUS. Enjoy.....


Hi. I'm Jeff. I'm lactose intolerant and allergic to soy. I know what you're do I drink milk? I clearly can't have real milk because I can't digest milk sugar and I can't drink soy milk because of the whole swelling thing and rice milk is gross and expensive...well I don't. Milk is stupid. Milk was (and is) a bad idea.

What's that? That's not what you were thinking. Oh you were thinking that but you were first trying to figure out who I am? Got it. I'm Jeff, we already went over this. I used to work with Amy. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm pretty effing awesome. I find myself hilarious (probably because I am, I'm a realist). I'm a pretty much a manly man. I do super manly things like watch SYTYCD and sing songs to my dog in which I just change the words to Puppy. Amy asked me to attempt to throw some funny your way every now and then.

What makes me qualified? Again, we've already been over this...I'm hilarious, please keep up. I'm also a fantastic story teller. I get a little long winded but I believe how animated I get out weighs that. I usually have fantastic stories because I make mind numbingly awful decisions which usually lead to some sort of hilarious adventure. I've pretty much decided that someone needs to follow me around with a camera all day everyday. There would be a lot of boring crap, but when they would get something it would be golden. Now then...what? Again with the questions? Yes I USED to work with Amy. I'm a structural engineer. Funny, smart, handsome, big jerk, I'm really the total package.

Thanks to this super duper economy I was laid off a little over a month ago. See I'm off to an eye watering hilarious start. So I worked with Amy for two years at a company that I actually enjoyed working for. When we had the first round of layoffs I came up with the fantastic idea that they couldn't lay me off if I was never there. If I ever thought they were coming over to my desk to lay me off I would grab my stuff and go on a site visit. That strategy led to this exchange with one of my bosses (in play format, oh yeah, by the way, I enjoy telling stories in play format):

Scene: MY DESK

LARRY walks up to MY DESK with a troubled look on his face. I begin to gather my site visit crap.

LARRY: Hey, Jeff, do you have.....

ME (interupting and packing): Actually Larry I'm on my way out the door. I've got a site visit.

LARRY (slightly confused): Ok, yeah, well do you have....

ME (interupting again): I'm actually running a little late. I don't really have time.

LARRY (slightly more confused): Ok, well I was just wondering if you have an email address for Pete over at Vessel.

ME (relieved): What? Oh, yeah! I totally have his email. I totally thought you nevermind.

Good times. Did I mention I was awkward? So when we thought the second round was coming the three principals had a big secret meeting on Monday. So on Tuesday I spent the whole morning out at site visits. Turns out we were a week early with our guess. Round Two came the following Tuesday. They were sneaky about it this time, too. The first round Grim Reaper was Larry. Round two Grim Reaper was John. It all played out like this...oh one more thing you need to know about me...I have trouble taking things seriously...ok back to the exchange.

Scene: MY DESK

I see John turn the corner by MY DESK like he's on a mission. I follow him out of the corner of my eye until he leave my peripheral.

ME (internally): Oh man, looks like John is on a mission to talk to J.R. Hopefully I don't have to listen to him be too much of an ass...Just then a hand falls on my shoulder. Not like a severed hand but a big wanna-be European hand.


JOHN (slightly statled): Hey, can we see you in the conference room for a sec.

ME: Goddammit, John. Seriously?

We begin to walk to the CONFERENCE ROOM.

JOHN: So you heard what's going on then, huh?

ME: No. No, John, I haven't. But I'm not fucking stupid either. I can figure it out pretty easily.

JOHN: Well, we can talk about it in the convference room.We walk past AMY AND MICHELLE'S DESKS and into the CONFERENCE ROOM. Neither one of them look at me. JOHN and I walk in and ALAN and LARRY are already sitting.

ME: Any of these seats ok?

ALAN: This one is fine. Well......I guess good morning.

ME: Really Alan? Really? I guess its good for at least the next 30 seconds.

ALAN: Alright. You clearly know what's happening. Today will be your last day.

ME: Fucking A, Alan....Goddammit.

So now I have a new job. At old job I got to wear jeans everyday, play ping pong, talk to people, and drink beer. At new job I have to do the whole business casual thing (which is stupid, either make me wear a suit and tie or let me wear whatever I wish including jeans), sit in near silence all day because there is nobody to talk to, and needless to say there is no beer and ping pong. Plus I barely have a desk and I sit directly in front of my boss. We might as well share a computer. I have a coner seat so there is a ton of wasted space in my area (including my seat, HI-OOOO!). Not only that but there is a register in the corner under the table. This register blows 40 degree air directly into my crotch. Needless to say it makes me a little chilly. Plus with my junk being in a meat freezer my sperm count is probably astronomical. I'm surprised I don't impregnate women just by walking by them, making little guns with my hands, pointing at their nether regions and saying POW! I don't even feel comfortable continuing the whole I'm Sterile Lie. I should just open a fertility clinic in my corner of the office.

That's all my time. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Next time I'll fill you in on my Memorial Day Sunday/Monday adventure. I promise its a good one.

Hugs and rainbows,

(Not really Jeff...)


True Story: Since you don't know him I should tell you that I actually picked that clipart because that is shockingly a very close resemblence to Jeff. Slap some facial hair and a mumble mumble something Cajun mumble mumble voice on that super sperm and you have a dead ringer.

Thanks for the guest post, JAH. Oh how you are missed. The injustice of it all.




Jill said...

Milk is stupid...adults drinking it is just weird.
Unless it has booze in it.