Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Stuff We Would Kiss On the Mouf vs. Stuff We Would Punch In the Mouf

I was thinking this weekend about some obsessions that I have had for many moons, and how they are STILL obsessions, and I would STILL ell-oh-vee-eeee to add them to my wardrobe, but just haven't, for whatever reason. And I was allllso thinking about some things that I HATE, and cannot beleeeeb I keep seeing in magazines and catalogs, and thought I'd do a lil compare/contrast review. So here goes.....

Ames, feel free to add anything in here you see fit.

Amy: Oh, I will, Shan. I will.

Stuff I Would Kiss On the Mouf, by Shannan

Missoni zigzag print dress

I have wanted a dress similar to this ever since I saw Deborah Messing wear a similar number on Will and Grace. Missoni is sexy, retro and classic all jumbled into one giant, cool, Italian sushi roll of love.

Amy: Yep. Classic.

I was going to just keep this to a Sequin Pencil Skirt, until I realized that I am either apparently (a) a wannabe show girl, or (b) a bird, pecking at anything sparkley, and love all things bedazzled. I am not talking head to toe sequins, but mixing and matching high end and low end (it's one of the things that homegirl at The Glamourai does best - mixing something high brow, fancy-schmancy (and yes, that is a technical fashion term for those "in the know,") with something Tar-jay or just plain unexpected.

Let me also say - it's not about sequin club wear. For instance, I have been DYING for a silver or platinum sequin pencil skirt ever since I saw Jenna Elfman wear one in the movie Keeping The Faith years ago. I just love the idea of wearing it with a simple black turtleneck and pumps for the office, or a ripped up, rocked out tee and shooties for a date (HA - as if I ever go on dates these days....) If anyone comes across a big pile of money and wants to purchase this Proenza Schouler number for my 40th, I would love you forever. What - it's only $595 - marked down from $850. That's a bargain if you ask me!!!!!

Guh....that still makes me catch my breaf whenever I see it......

And don't EVEN get me started on these Christian Louboutin pumps.....

For reals???? My feet are longing for them. They are feeling physical PAIN while my eyes are looking at those shoes.

Or, or, orrrrrr - how about a little vintage sequin shell with a great pair o jeans and sexy strappy sandals. See, here's the thing - to do sequins properly, in MY humble opinion, you don't do sexy on sexy. I POY-sonally would not wear a sequin mini with a halter with strappy sandals. It's tooooo much. Mrs. Ice Cube - I'm talkin to you. Hence the sequin shell w/jeans and sandals.

Well hello, adorable little black and white sequin dress. You would look SO cute with opaque black tights OR over a pair of tuxedo pants...

Dude - with all of the KEYOOT sequin clothing I found on Googley Goog, I could go on and on. Topshop has a veritable buttload of sequined, bedazzled items to choose from. I will continue with my list, howevah...

Amy: But HODE UP.

A) Are you suggesting my sequin tube top and sequin beret outfit is a little much, Shannan. You've changed. I don't even KNOW YOU ANYMORE.

Shan: Amy, you and I both know NO ONE can rock a sequin tube top and sequin beret like you. And don't EVEN act like you're not rockin the sequin leg warmers, fingerless gloves and pinch-rolled, acid-washed jeans with it.

B) I completely agree. That skirt and that dress. Ohmyword.

C) It's pretty hard to beat a vintage black sequin cardigan with a white T and jeans. That is all.

Christian Louboutin Leopard Pumps

'Nuff said.

Okay - I lied. To those of you who say "leopard shoes are a fad," I say NAY! Nay, you naysayers!!! Leopard print is a classic - it is the style of the shoe itself that could be faddish, but gimme a pair of Louboutin leopard print pumps, and I am good to go.
Amy: I don't mean to be harsh, but if you would turn these shoes down you are a fool.

Heels with Dress Shorts
Again, I know there are sommmmme people who do not like this look, but like the sequin look, it's all in how you pull it off. I'm not talkin a pair of ripped up daisy dukes with some Candie's, nooooo, I mean a pair of citified, dressy shorts with some cute lil wedge heels, a tank, and a jacket. Love. This. Look, and I will continue to rock it until I don't.

Okaaaay, in THIS particular montage, I'm talkin bout what Charlize is wearing. I don't lurve the other two looks. Lindsey, take yo skanky ass yellow hair-don't back to yo boyfriend Samantha and finish your "water" in a highball glass. And Carmen? You are not "Electra"-fying in this get-up.

Amy: Who doesn't like this look? I'm bitter because I hate my legs and, as you know because I complain about it all the time now, have trouble with heels due to foot problems and I still love this look. So if you don't like this look, people, I don't want to hear it. You are just wrong and your opinions are not valid. Love, Amy

Stuff I Would Punch In the Mouf, by Shannan

Newport News Colored Denim
Thank you for playing, Newport News. Try again.

Amy: Newport Oh Noes is more like it. All I have to say is "mmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnn, uh uh."

Harem or Hammer Pants
I do not care who makes them or how "in" these are, the last time I wore Hammer pants was to my parents' 25th anniversary party, and thank GOD I don't know where any of the photos are, because I was rockin a pair of fuschia silk pants with a giant purple button down blouse, cinched with a gold lame belt. No one needs to see that.

Amy: I concur on the pantalones but correction. I SO need to see that picture of you, Candy Girl. You are my world.

Shan: Ames, I will find you a photo just as soon as the world sees you and G-Money's Flock of Seagulls Olan Mills portrait.

Denim "Outfits" Are Just Capital "R" Wrong, by Amy

Unless maaaaybe you are a dark wash slim fit denim jacket and wide leg trouser suit with a subtle pinstripe that is paired with just the right things, then no. No. No. No. Did we learn nothing from Britney and Justin about going head-to-toe denim, people? (Don't act like you don't know what I'm talkin' about, Willis.)

It's sad that I knew just where to go to find some of the worst offenders. Thank you, Spiegel "Together" line. You finally came in handy. Together. It's like Garanimals for grown ups. That can't possibly be good. And while the peach ensemble isn't a denim outfit, I would have been remiss not to mention it. WHAT ON EARF IS THAT? I think I figured out where scary eyebrow Stephanie from The Bachelor shops.

Shan: I am thankful that I have NEVER watched The Bachelor in my life, if only because I do not have to witness the travesty that is apparently "Scary Eyebrow Stephanie's" wardrobe. Thank you Jebus. Spiegel, on the other hand, you need to WORK IT OUT.

You know, I (Amy) have so many things I would either kiss or punch in the mouf that could make this the longest post ever. I will stop here though and keep you on the edge of your seats until later. Think of this as the Gateway Post to harder, more addictive posts to come. Just a little taste.

Shan: Ames, I think we just found our next regular feature....