Thursday, April 2, 2009

Stuff We Do In Private: Oscar Recap - The Mens

After the ROUSING success of our Women's Oscar Recap amongst friends, we decided we were a bit remiss in not discussing the men who attended the Oscars in our recap. Enjoy our musings, fresh from 3 weeks ago...

SHAN: Mickey Rourke: A) What happened to 9-1/2 Weeks Mickey Rourke? Seriously - you were HAWT; and 2) Mickey, prom 1982 called, and it wants its white tux back. I don't care if John Paul Gaultier made it, white tuxes should be reserved for the local revival of Footloose, or weddings with a theme of the Beverly Hillbillies, where the signature drink is Wild Turkey, and the bride decorates with red and white plastic tablecloths. Now, the tux in black would have been kick ass, but it was just a mistake in white.

AMY:Mickey Rourke: I really want to bash you because your lips skeeve me out, but you know what? I think you really tried in your own Mickey way. I didn’t expect you to show up in a tux and bowtie and think this is the best you’ve looked this Awards Season all things considered. Is the little Loki charm around your neck a little weird? Yes. Is it incredibly touching and endearing though? Definitely. I love that you loved your little dog that much and just can’t find it in me to knock you. (I do miss the old, hot Mickey Rourke though.)

SHAN: Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Dude, Ben Stiller looked better than you. WHAT is up with the beanie? Let's get one thing straight: I. LOVE. Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Hell, depending on the movie, I have even been known to have a little crush on him (we all know that funny trumps cute anyday). But that was a straight up HOT Mess. Is your wife blind? I put half the blame on her.

AMY:Phillip Seymour Hoffman: No doubt he’s one of the best actors around. He’s also got his own quirky thing going on. (Not Mickey Rourke or Joaquin, but still…) I CAN howevah knock you just a wee bit? Really now, come on. The ski cap? This ain’t Sundance.

SHAN: Sean Penn: First of all - who even knew Sean Penn could smile? Not me! Aside from the black shirt, he looked pretty damn hot. I have had great affection for Mr. Penn since his days as Jeff Spicoli. Just not a fan of the black shirt w/tux, but other than that, props.

AMY:Sean Penn: Where was I when the memo saying Sean Penn can look hot and be really charming went around? Who forgot to cc: me? One of my favorites. Easy.

SHAN: Brad Pitt: Please please pleeeeeease, for the love of Nell Carter, shave the cheesy mustache. Yes, you are technically hot, and you did channel old Hollywood, but like Nicole Kidman, you grow boring in your beauty.

AMY: Brad Pitt: I hope that facial hair is for a role because otherwise, no no no no no nooooooo. Yeah, like the facial hair would be a big deal breaker. Ignore me.

SHAN: Hugh Jackman (Huge WHAT?): Sorry - inside joke that I am compelled to say anytime I say Hugh Jackman (Huge WHAT???): Any man who can look like Clint Eastwood in the Outlaw Josie Wales and sing and dance like a drag queen gets MAJOR props from me. My favorite of the night. I am SURE he was thinking about me while he was dancing with Beyonce. So dashing, so debonaire. Sigh....

AMY: Hugh Jackman: Yum. Why do I just now have an opinion about your hotness? Because I’ve only seen you in a movie as Wolverine? Mayhaps. I may be late to the Hugh party but I brought snacks and d├ęcor. Can I come in?

SHAN: Robert Downey, Jr.: Second fave of the night. Swoony. ALMOST as good as your debut in the kick ass 1985 smash Tuff Turf.

AMY: Robert Downey, Jr.: A little heavy-handed on the bronzer but THAT is how I like me some RDJr. I’ve missed you. Welcome home, cutie.

SHAN: Zac Efron: You skeeve me out. Stop greasing your hair back. Done.

AMY: Zac Efron: If I was a teenage girl I would probably love him. I am not.

SHAN: Matthew Broderick: YOU were the one who cheated? With WHOM? Some sad sack who is obsessed with Ferris Bueller? Speaking of sad sack, that's what you looked like with that bad bleach job hairdo, puffy face and blah demeanor. I used to like you, now...not so much.

AMY: Matthew Broderick: I believe I commented on you in my girl recap. So we’ve read the stories and the gossip. Is it all true? Who knows? If you are going to make the effort to show up together at least don’t look so pathetically bored and above it all.

SHAN: Daniel Craig: Okay, I take back Hugh Jackman as my favorite of the night. Sigh.....

AMY: Daniel Craig: Double Oh My. He pretty.

SHAN: John Mayer: Okay, I take it back. Since you got your hair cut, you do NOT look like Edward Scissorhands. You maaaay even look a teeny tiny bit cute. And you ARE sarcastic and hilarious, which I love. So holla to you, bro.

AMY: John Mayer: (call me)