Thursday, March 26, 2009

Stuff We Do In Private: The Oscar Edition

Nothing like weeks old Oscar Commentary to get massive blog traffic! In our defense, we did this the day after for our own selves and it became such a phenomenon amongst our friends (who we realize have to say nice things to us) that we're taking the easy way out today and posting it here.

Shannan, feel free to add photos to this next time you lock the Triplets in the closet for some "Mommy Time." Just kidding, Social Services. She puts them in the backyard.

Taraji P. Henson

AMY: Taraji P. Henson - needs to come live in my pocket so I can take her out and look at her all day long. She.Was.Stunning. That dress was ethereal and that necklace was insane. Gimme. Her stylist needs a raise b/c that duo killed it this Awards season.

SHAN: Taraji P. Henson - Possibly the cutest woman at the Academy Awards whom I had never heard of, besides Viola Davis. The dress? Amazing - like someone swathed her in fabulousness, which, let's be honest - they did. I would like to redo my wedding and wear that dress.

EDIT: After loading all of these GD pics this afternoon, I have come to the decision that lovely Miz. Taraji was my favorite dress of allllllll. Shan

Frida Pinto

AMY: Frida Pinto – I have two pockets, you know. There is room for you here, too. I want to look like her when I grow up. Assuming I grow up in some Benjamin Buttons way where I get younger. And more Indian. (Which reminds me, Paul still insists our house smells like curry two weeks after we made that shrimp curry, Shan.)

SHAN: Frida Pinto - Could you BE anymore beautiful? Actually, I did not love that dress. For some reason I am not fond of the royal blue color on an evening gown (it reminds me of my sister's prom dress). Still, she was gorgeous, and I apologize for the curry odor. I think PBI may be exaggerating, howevah.

Kate Winslet

AMY: Kate Winslet – not my favorite dress of hers ever but I have zero quips to say about Kate. She can do no wrong in my book. Yes, I'm hopped up on the Winslet Kool Aid, too. (I did go back and forth on the hair though. Equal parts genius and elegant and something only she could pull off and yet a bit helmet head at some angles. Bold words from someone who uses hairspray like it's my job.)

SHAN: Kate Winslet - What was with all the one shoulder finery last night? I like it in a more 70s maxi-dress way, less in an evening gown way, and I did not love her dress, and I HATED her hair. Please Kate - I love love love you. I cried when you gave your acceptance speech, but we are trying to preserve the ozone layer, not kill it single-handedly.

Jessica Biel
AMY: Jessica Biel – why were you there and not your boyfriend? Tradesies. I like the idea of the dress but the fit was not bringing Sexy Back. Now, hand over JT and no one will get hurt.

SHAN: Jessica Biel - I am sorry. I do not understand your dress, nor why you would hide your SLAMMIN body in it. Have you seen Pretty in Pink one too many times? Did you buy 17 vintage prom dresses and cut and paste them together? JT - if you want to see a REAL woman, come on over to mi casa. Just don't tell Jessica, as I'm sure she could kick my a$$.

Anne Hathaway

AMY: Anne Hathaway – Unreal. That dress was unreal. Simple yet exquisitely detailed. A real Favey Crockett. Howevah - when Jay Emmanuel said "those are called paillettes" on the E! red carpet I was like "Girl, please. Tell me something I don't know. Like perhaps how you still think that silver hair looks good."

SHAN: Anne Hathaway - POSSIBLY my favorite dress of the night. In the top three fo shizzle. That column of silver sparkley goodness was magnificent. I din't even mind your giant red lips with it.


AMY: Beyonce – Carol Burnett as Scarlett O'Hara called and said she wants her curtains back. Don't get me started on her lip synching or how overrated I think she is.

SHAN: Beyonce - Who invited you????? What kind of Cleopatra makeup was on yo eyes during the dance number? Did yo mama make that dress, because girlfriend needs to start OVER with it. We get it - you are Bootylicious, but does that mean you have to wear a mermaid style at every friggin event? Get. Over. Yourself.

EDIT: Yo, B-Money - WHAT is with that pose? Did you forget the choreography to I'm A Little Teapot or what?

Viola Davis

AMY: Viola Davis - I love you and your genuine excitement. You are beautiful but that dress had a slight hint of Dillard's prom all over it. Maybe next time.

SHAN: Viola Davis - Tied for Cutest Woman Of the Awards. I loved her hair, and I loved the idea of the Marilyn Monroe inspired gown, but agree with the prommieness of it. Still, her genuine excitement, grace, and appreciation at the speech of the previous winner made me tear up. Loves her, and I have never even seen her in a movie.

Sarah Jessica Parker
AMY: SJP – forget the outfit and hair of SJP. Could Matthew Broderick BE any less enthused to be there with her? You're an actor. ACT we are not all bothering you.

SHAN: SJP - You know I loves you girl, but shouldn't you be advising your hubby to lay off the Sun In before an awards show (and maybe use it yourself)? Seriously. I am sad if he really was cheating on her, but she can do MUCH better. I like you better as a blond, and your dress was fab, but the whole package just wasn't working for me.

Meryl Streep

AMY: Meryl Streep – shocked me. Not like she's crazy Diane Keaton getup level but I'm never wowed by Meryl. Her simple dress and hair were so elegant this time though. To me, the best she's ever looked.

SHAN: Meryl Streep - B-O-R-I-N-G. Poop brown gown and old lady updo? Mmmmm, no fanks. Woman - get thee a stylist!!! Your daughter, on the other hand, was gorge.

Penelope Cruz
AMY: Penelope Cruz - it wasn't my fave but the fact that it was vintage scores points w/me every time. Even better that she saw it years ago and went back this week to see if it was still there and it was. I like that story.

SHAN: Penelope Cruz has such a cute speaking voice and beautiful eyes, that it really doesn't matter what she's wearing. Not my favorite of the night, but who cares?

Jennifer Aniston

AMY: Jennifer Aniston – did anyone do a count on how many nude/white/silver metallicy dresses there were last night? Had to be double digits. I'm a Jen fan though. There. I said it. Most 20 year olds (or 37 year olds…ahem) wished they looked as good as she does. Some 37 year olds also think her boyfriend is cute. Some. Not naming names. (me)

SHAN: Jen Aniston - Okay, you KNOW I love you. But seriously? You KNEW Brangelina was going to be there - where was your hair stylist? You should have looked better than you EVER looked. The gown was just "meh" for me. Still, the fact that you so classily presented when THEY were right in your face makes me love you even more.

Marisa Tomei
AMY: Marisa Tomei – the architecture of that dress was incredible and she's never looked lovelier. In fact, this may be the 1st time I actually realized she was lovely.

SHAN: Marisa Tomei is one of those actresses I have loved since I first saw her in Untamed Heart. Seriously. I think she is a cutie patootie. Her dress was in my top three. I agree with the architectural nature of the dress - amazing. The color was dreamy. She was delicious.

Angelina Jolie

MY: Angelina – I'm so bored with this whole "simple black/navy dress" thing she does. We get it. You're pretty and don't care if you amuse us. But just once…come on.

SHAN: Angelina - Aside from your jewelry, which was maybe the best of the night, yaaaaaawn.....

Miley Cyrus
AMY: Miley Cyrus – I can't believe I'm commenting on Miley Cyrus for so many reasons. Moreover I can't believe I'm about to say how much I liked her dress. Okay, my first thought was "Um, is she wearing fancy lettuce?" but then when I looked at the detail on it, I could only applaud. Golf claps, Miley.

SHAN: Miley Cyrus - First of all - you are a punk-a$$ brat who needs to check yoself before you wreck yoself. Still, the dress was pretty fab-you-lous.

Melissa Leo

AMY: Melissa Leo – Congratulations on your nomination and on winning the coveted "Mom Hair" award.

SHAN: I only saw her from the neck up. No idea who she is or what she wore.

Sophia Loren

AMY: Sophia Loren - MY EYES! MY EYES! Enough said.

SHAN: Sophia Loren - Your stance upon presenting the best actress award rocked. The one hand on the hip, ramrod straight posture? I don't care what everyone else says, you are pretty fab for 74. The dress, on the other hand? Sheesh!!!!

Tina Fey
AMY: Tina Fey - your look was anything but funny. You 30 ROCKED it last night.

SHAN: Tina Fey - Thank GOD you wore a better dress than you did at Golden Globes - that one was a hot mess. The golden sparkly number you wore last night? Pretty damn fab.Sarah Palin, eat your heart out.

Natalie Portman, Halle Berry, Alicia Keyes
AMY: Natalie Portman and Halle Berry – are possibly the most beautiful creatures on earth. The end.

SHAN: Natalie Portman and Alicia Keyes - Were you wearing the same dress? No matter - I love you both, and you both looked A.Maz.Ing.

Reese Witherspoon, Queen Latifah

AMY: Reese Witherspoon/Queen Latifah – Reese you made me sad last night. Queen – I got mad love and respect for you but nope, didn’t work for me.

SHAN: Reese Witherspoon/Queen Latifah - Were you wearing the same ill-fitting dress? Reece, Reese, Reese - what happened to you? You were slammin in that yellow column and bangin hairdo last year. This year was frumpy and boring.

Amy Adams
AMY: Amy Adams – What? Huh? Did a nun dress you? I “DOUBT” you’ll be on any best dressed lists with that necklace and dress combo. Pick one or the other. (Pick the dress and send me the necklace if you must.)

SHAN: Amy Adams - I do not like you in a house. I do not like you with a mouse. I do not like you in that dress. I do not like you I confess. The necklace was the only thing I liked about you. The end.

Nicole Kidman

AMY: Nicole Kidman – I literally have no opinion on her. Unless “vanilla” is an opinion.

SHAN: Nicole Kidman - You grow boring in your beauty. Could you please just go a little more red with your hair again? Pleeeeeze?????

Goldie Hawn
AMY: Goldie Hawn – Pamela Anderson would like to have words with you about trying to strip her of the “Hot Mess” title.

SHAN: Goldie Hawn - More like OLDIE Hawn. Good Lord woman - you used to be smokin. Waaaay to much work on zee face, and your dress could not contain zee bewbies. Thank you for playing, try again...

EDIT: Kurt Russell - you are STILL a fox. Love you. Call me...Shan